Wanna know why I hate diabetes?

OK, there are a lot of reasons, but today I have a vent about one certain part of it. The stupid disease is a total guessing game! Every person is different, there is no tried and true formal and in order to find what works, you just have to guess. Its unpredictable, you dont know how anything will effect her until it happens and I dont really like to experiment on my kid. Her blood sugar was in the 30s the other day and twice its been in the low 40s. For some people thats the level where they have seizures and go into a coma. For Kylee it doesnt really do anything to her. Well it does, but nothing you can see.

Since Kylee's diagnosis a little over a month ago, she has been all over the place with her blood sugars. First she was WAY high, now shes WAY low. She has had her carb ratios(how many units of insulin she has to have for however many grams of carbs shes eating) changed from 1:20 to 1:15 to 1:10 back to 1:15 then 1:20 for lunch and 1:15 for everything else and now back to 1:20 for everything. She takes a long acting insulin at night and about once a week, her doctor decreases it. First it was 20 units, then 16, then 14 and now 11. She'll eat a meal that has 55 carbs in it and her blood sugar is 90. I have to decide whether to round up and give her 4 units of insulin(by the old formula) or 3 units because she is under 100. There is no rule as to what you have to do, the doctors just tell you to do what feels right. Hah! HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHAT TO DO!?!?!?! Im not a freaking doctor and I really dont want to screw up and make her be either to high or too low because when it comes down to it, Im responsible for how she feels. That sucks. It sucks to know she doesnt feel good because I probably just gave her too much insulin. It sucks to know that I really do hold her life in my hands and if I screw up too badly, it could kill her. People keep telling me that things will normal out once her pancreas stops producing all together, and I cannot wait for that day. BUT...of course there is no way to tell when that is or how much of it is still working, its just a guess. Could be 6 months, could be 2 years. It could be working at 60% right now, it could be working at 40%. 12 hours from now it could be a totally different percentage. I dont like guessing games.

OK, rant over.

Why Tree Stump

I know, Tree Stump is an odd name and really its a family joke. But there is a reason for that being the name of my blog and a story to go with it.

When my very soon to be 10 year old daughter was about 3, I was putting her to bed one night. I tucked her in, read her the same books that we read every night, kissed her and told her I loved her. Her relpy "I love you more than a tree stump". I have no idea why she said it, but I was a little shocked and it was funny coming out of this little girls mouth, so I laughed and thinking that I must rank pretty low, right between tree stumps and rocks or something equally unimpressive and useless, I said something about that must not be very much. She gave me that gee, your dumb look that little kids are so good at and said "They arent just dead trees you know, they are good for lots of things". So I said ok, kissed her again, turned out the light and left. And I started thinking about the tree stump that my daughter was so impressed with and all the things she did with it. She ate her lunch at it, sat on it, used it as a stage to stand on and sing REALLY loudly from, drove little cars on it, she set up doll house furniture on it, used it as a table to color on and who knows what else she used it as. To her, that tree stump served a lot of purposes. It became a regular thing between the two of us, she would tell me she loved me more than cereal, carpet, swings, grass or any other weird thing to be compared to and I would do the same to her. But really what it meant was more than anything.

So why Tree Stump? Its a reminder to me that what I may see as useless and unimpressive may matter a lot to someone else.